Mason Jar
Bloody Mary

This is only partially because in the long ago days of brunch, we would have more than one instance per summer when wait times were very long, often beyond two or three hours, when someone would pass out while waiting for a table.

This someone was on vacation, probably not accustomed to drinking professionally, drank the night before to excess, was woken up for breakfast before they wished to be, hungover as hell & faced with a deathly long wait in the hot summer sun on a very tumultuous empty stomach. They turned to what they have long been told was a hangover restorative, an alcoholic medicinal savior of sorts, the Bloody Mary, to help them sort it all out.

The long wait meant they had plenty of time to have two, maybe three. Their already dehydrated body turned to hot sand and they collapsed like they were literally made of it.

All they wanted was a pancake. 

But also…

Bloody Marys are most often made very poorly, with a pre-made mix and the cheapest, shittiest vodka imaginable. Well-meaning bartenders with a little ambition try to tweak a few standards to come up with something revolutionary which at the end of the day most people at the bar on Sunday morning can’t tell from Zing Zang.

But if we’re going to be honest, even the shittiest Bloody Mary is satisfying in a visceral way and the more “interesting” a Bloody Mary gets, the further away it gets from the thing that makes it special.

Fortunately, the ingredients for making a Bloody Mary worth the attention of the everyday drinker and the intentional drinker alike are already accounted for as the pantry items don’t really change much.

Savory amino acids are present in every bloody ingredient: tomato, hot sauce, horseradish, worcestershire, lemon juice… It’s loaded with umami.

It’s what we call a “long” drink, meaning it’s got a high ratio of mixer to spirit, poured over ice, so it should last you a minute, which also makes us think we can have a couple and still function.

I would argue that the best Bloody Mary leans heavily into its most intense parts and that the base spirit is typically grossly undervalued. Vodka is built to disappear, even when drunk on its own, and it’s subservient to the mix in every way. Its function is reduced to producing intoxication. 

Gin, or especially tequila or mezcal, all insanely great gustatory matches to the flavors of a bloody mix make their presence very known, which turns a Bloody from a drink that gets you drunk without knowing there is alcohol in the room into something that honors the base spirit.

Bloody Marys batch very well so they are great for entertaining. Budget spirits are fine here. You won’t be exploring any subtle spirit nuance, but still, never reach for the very bottom of the shelf. If you must have vodka, Sobieski will do. Gordon’s is the all purpose gin that never disappoints. Lunazul or Tanteo are affordable and delicious options for tequila. Expect to pay a little more for good mescal. It’s worth it. 400 Conejos and Banhez are go-tos for us that don’t break the bank.

We like to keep garnishes simple. A crisp, spicy dill pickle spear, and a wedge of lemon will do nicely alongside a salty, savory rim of our house Worcestershire salt. For me, meats and cheeses are not welcome. Avoid things that will become weirdly soggy as you sip.

Obviously the use of our own rub and pickle juice go a long way to making our bloody stand out in a crowd, but truth be told, the best thing you can do for an outstanding Bloody Mary is pay strict attention to the quality of the tomato.

Adding a little miso (miso and tomatoes, which wouldn’t know each other passing on the street, actually make strange magic happen when they dance together), will push the umami part of the cocktail over the top.

Amy used to make Bloodys at home with our own, heavily fussed over, homemade quarts of canned tomatoes. She would pour out some excess juice to make room for the mix and spirit and drop a stick blender in to combine. They were delicious and were an inspiration for our Bloodys at The Southerner.

Side note (pun intended)…the Midwestern pro move for a Bloody Mary is to add a pony, or a snit, back. A pony is a seven ounce bottle of Miller/Coors lager that’s as cute as a button. Options are limited but appropriate.

A snit is a short pour of a light lager, usually an industrial corn lager, though at The Southerner it will likely be a dope lager or pils from our local Waypost. We approve of this Wisconsin tradition wholeheartedly. Nothing pairs better with a Bloody Mary than a little beer back. 

Side side note: a bloody that is not at least a little spicy can go fuck itself. So can the ridiculously over the top whole chicken and pizza garnished bloodies that in no way honor the actual cocktail.

With the little beer back, it’s probably best for most mere mortals to stop at one, especially if the hot summer sun is rising overhead and your name is a ways down on the waitlist.